why do I do this?

Why do I wait to the last minute to get things done? I am not a procrastinator, I am always ahead of the game, until I am not. When it comes to doing the irrelevant, "unimportant" things in my life, I am never behind, however when it comes time do stuff and reach goals for the important stuff, I wait until the very last minute. I don't understand it. I have no idea why I am like that, but I am and its becoming more and more apparent. 

Will and I are ready, we are making plans, we will be married before we reach the half way mark in 2019 and yet I am still not debt free and I am still a size that makes me cringe when I think of it. I know I need to get serious, I knew I needed to get serious a year ago heck 2 years ago, but I put it off and I am now months away and here I am panicking a little. 

I know the debt thing wont get worked out before May, so all I can do is make sure I don't spend unnecessarily and really keep at it.  No need to have it stress me all out when there is nothing i can do now. I am trying to live a guilt free life in 2019.  With that being said, I did purchase 6 dresses to get married in. I will be returning at least 5 of them. I think all 6 of them plus some other clothes only came to 750.00 which compared to a "traditional" wedding dress is great but once again I will be returning them.

The weight loss can still happen. I have lost about 18 lbs between October and January and honestly I wasn't trying, I believe it was lost by walking the puppy and playing with him and not eating as much. If I really work hard and keep the same ideas but incorporate healthier options, I could easily lose 30 lbs in 4 months, OK more realistically 20 lbs in 3 1/2 months. Even with a loss of 20 lbs, I think I would feel much better in a dress and in a bathing suit, so I am going to try super hard with no excuses. Each morning I am going to remind myself of the goal.

I know part of the problem is that we have a puppy. Anybody who says a puppy isn't hard work, is either a super hero or a whack job. My life has changed 100%, I very rarely ever do the things I want to do. I also have never in my life felt such unconditional love as I do with our baby, Toby. He may be a dog to some but he is my baby, the child I never had. Each day I am going to reincorporate some of the things I have given up when we got him. 

We are about a month into the new year and my resolutions were broken by Jan 2, my new way of life never started, my goals so far have not been reached, but what has happened is I have realized I am human and I am a good human and I am trying and I am not doing a bad job.. No I am not rich and out of debt and No I am not skinny, but there is so much more to life, and most importantly, I am not giving up, I am not don't setting goals and making resolutions, because I am a work in progress and maybe one day I will be someone different but today I am happy with who I am. Today being not there yet is OK, it is who I am and what I have decided is knowing who I am is far more progress then pretending of faking being someone I am not in order to say I reached a goal.

I hope my future self can start digging out the closets and bring some neatness to her world but for now spending time with our Toby, giving him my all and getting his love in return is plenty for me. 

A brand New Me!

Here we go again.

Its a new year and a new start and I am ready. Mentally and Emotionally I believe I am ready.

I am going to be getting rid of a lot of stuff, I have already started, my goal is to live a simple life, to change my thoughts on things and to minimize the clutter in my life.

I am going to try to stop and process feelings before making purchases, I am going to try to save money and life a way of life that is full based on experiences and adventures rather then cheaply bought items that overwhelm me. The problem with being a "buyer" is you buy anything, just to buy, whether you need it or not. I will buy snacks even if I am not hungry, just to buy, I enjoy purchasing, it makes me happy, but that will change. I am focusing on true happiness. I think that I will learn that I don't need these things, that they are making me stressed out as well as overweight. I believe its safe to say this problem of mine ties into me being overweight.

I am not sure what all I will document on my blog, I felt as though I was not making good progress the last several times I attempted to, and I am not sure why.. It could have been because I wasn't serious, or I was going about it the wrong way. Maybe my information wasn't solid or  maybe I was focusing on the wrong stuff. I may just share my struggles and my joys and possible share some items with you that I discover as I get down and dirty and get rid of the crap.

Anyway, I am hoping I am back for good, I am hoping to report to you that I am a new person living  clutter free, thinner and with more money in my pocket. We will see, but I am feeling good about it.